Today’s Lesson: With friends like these…
10 Ways To Torture Your Vegan Friend:
1. Every time you see your vegan friend, ask how they are getting their protein.
2. Buy them Animal Crackers (animal crackers are vegan!). Whenever they eat one, look on in horror.
3. Or, open the box of Animal Crackers, bite the heads off all the crackers, re-seal the box, and then give the headless animal snacks to your vegan friend.
4. And, the next day, give your friend another box of animal crackers, only filled with the missing heads.
5. Be sure to let them know you could never go vegan, even if they have never asked you to. Like ever. It’s important to make sure they know.
6. Whenever you walk by a lawn, ask your vegan friend if he or she is hungry.
7. Ask if they were born vegan. When they say “No,” ask, “Then how did it happen–lightning?”
8. At the end of every meal, ask, “Are you going to eat the rest of that green stuff?” Followed by, “I wouldn’t either.”
9. Send them memes of bacon every chance you have. Vegans love bacon jokes.
10. Whenever you are eating a charred dead animal carcass in front of them, be sure to ask, “…But don’t you miss it?”
Have fun with your vegan friend but remember… a little goes a long way. They are already doing something weird and probably feel ostracized every time they go out to eat with non-vegan friends. Really, like every time.
Your vegan friend can laugh about being vegan but in truth, they don’t want to tell you it is a tired laugh. They do not care what you think about their being vegan (but they would maybe like you to care about learning why you are not).
Remember, it’s always fun until somebody loses their animal cracker head…